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Review: The Thirsty Dead
by steelcorpfilms (steelcorpfilms)
at October 14th, 2007 (07:45 am)
blah

current mood: blah
current song: Dream Theater "Space-Dye Vest"

The Thirsty Dead
- 1974

Reviewer: Indy McDaniel
Rating: 1
Director: Terry Becker
Writer: Terry Becker
Charles Dennis
Lou Whitehill
Cast: Jennifer Billingsley
Judith McConnell
John Considine
Tani Guthrie
Fredricka Meyers
Run Time: 88 minutes
MPAA Rating: PG
Date Reviewed: October 14th, 2007

Plot: Beautiful young girls are kidnapped off the streets of Manila by a death cult that needs their blood to remain immortal.

Comments: The Thirsty Dead. Title makes you think that maybe the movie's gonna be about vampires or zombies or something. Well, it's not. It's about cultists. Not cool, human sacrificing cultists, either. Really lame, ridiculously dressed, really stupid cultists who are actually really good hosts to their prospective sacrifices. The movie actually starts out like it might be pretty interesting, with random girls getting kidnapped. There's even a particularly creepy shot when the girls are loaded into a little boat in the sewers by these hooded guys and they take off down the sewer as what's either a dead baby or a rogue babydoll goes floating downstream. That right there is the only time the movie even hopes to achieve any level of creep factor. It goes downhill fast from that point. How fast? Try, the very next scene fast.

Somehow, the sewer system in the city leads to... a river going through a jungle, complete with big ass mountains everywhere. There's no transition between the two locations. The boat sails down the sewer system and in the very next shot is in the middle of the jungle. Night has become day and the boat has magically teleported some undetermined distance away. Once the boat hits land, the two chicks are very casually lead through the jungle to spot where two other chicks are casually waiting. They're all kidnap victims, apparently. These are the most low key, relaxed kidnap victims ever. One of them is even glad she's been kidnapped, hoping she'll be sold into white slavery. Obviously, whoever wrote these characters doesn't know fuck all about how kidnap victims actually act. Either that, or all the characters just got back from their frontal lobotamy appointments.

From the spot in the jungle, the cloaked guys strip down to their underwear, then lead all four girls into the mountain where the cult lives. The cult is about the most worthless group of rejects ever. They drink the blood of their sacrifices, mixed with some kinda potion, to stay young and beautiful forever. Beautiful is a relative term, considering what they're wearing. Somehow, they're stuck in the middle of the jungle and yet they can have really fancy theater costumes that are never dirty. The cult's sacrifices aren't actually killed, either. They're just drained a little of blood and then magically healed by leaves. Yea, fucking leaves. The cultists hold these leaves against the wounds and they just magically disappear. Also, the eternal youth and beauty thing? It only works within a small perimeter around the mountain, so it's about as good a gift as an empty beer keg. Sure, it kinda looks cool, but it's ultimately useless.

Of course, one of the four brainless maidens has to be the 'chosen one' destined to lead the cult onto greatness. How much greatness could she lead them to when they're confined to a single fucking mountain anyway? She calmly checks out what all the perks are, what's in store for her and her 'friends' (even though they just met, apparently "being kidnapped together brings people close together" according to the girl), and she actually seems pretty into it until she realizes she's gotta drink human blood to join the club. I guess that must be against her vegan diet or something, cuz she totally flips a gasket over it. So she gets to go back with her friends and some random old hag helps them to escape. Why they need help to escape is the true mystery, since the girls are in a room without bars. The room doesn't even have a door... it has fucking love beads. They claim the mountain caves are like a maze, but what the hell does that matter? There's apparently no guards anywhere, and they just stroll on out before getting recaptured by the main dude cultist, who brings them all back then proceeds to help them escape again. Redundancy much?

Overall: Probably even more annoying as the beginning of the movie actually looked pretty promising. As soon as they board the magical teleporting boat in the sewer and jump over to the jungle though, it drops like fly in a bug zapper. Save your time with this one, your brain will thank you.

Comments

Posted by: horripilatus (horripilatus)
Posted at: October 20th, 2007 08:06 am (UTC)
doll face

the thirsty dead, what a horrible title for cultists :P

i want a magical, teleporting boat...maybe ebay has one.

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